THIS IS REAL LIFE

When I was 16 I worked at McDonalds. One day my boss pulls me aside and tells me that we have a situation. “There’s shit everywhere" he told me. I followed him into the men’s washroom and nearly doubled over from the sight.

It was as if someone had spread their ass cheeks apart, pressed them against the wall, and unleashed the most explosive diarrhea fury this world has ever seen. There was shit on the floor, the wall, and yes, the ceiling. Nothing in the toilet though. A pair of discarded underwear lay folded in the corner.

My boss pulled me back out of the rest room and grabbed my shoulders, “You’re the only guy working today and I don’t have it in my heart to make one of the girls do this. I will give you $100 cash and the rest of the day off.”

I dressed up in a suit of armor made entirely of plastic bags and duct-tape and marched into the bathroom with a garden hose and a bottle of sanitizer. After 30 minutes of spraying and flooding and mopping I emerged victorious with $100 in my pocket and the respect of all my peers.

I was the poop destroyer.

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