THIS IS REAL LIFE

This is what happens when you replace ‘wand’ with ‘wang’ in Harry Potter:

"Why aren’t you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an’ everything

A magic wang… this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I’d be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn’t a question. "You have your mother’s eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work." "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry’s wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, ‘Alohomora!"

The troll couldn’t feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry’s wang had still been in his hand when he’d jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll’s nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll’s nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding…. Any second now, he might hear his mother again… but he shouldn’t think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn’t want to… or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

"May I introduce Mr Ollivander?" said Dumbledore. taking his place at the judges’ table, and talking to the champions. "He will be checking your wangs to ensure that they are in good condition before the Tournament"…

Fleur Delacour swept over to Mr Ollivander, and handed him her wang.

"Hmm…" he said.

He twirled the wang between his long fingers like a baton and it emitted a number of pink and gold sparks. Then he held it close to his eyes and examined it carefully.

"Yes," he said quietly, "nine and a half inches… inflexible… rosewood… and containing… dear me…" …

"Mr Ollivander ran his fingers along the wang, apparently checking for scratches or bumps…

"Ah now, this is one of mine, isn’t it?" said Mr Ollivander, with much more enthusiasm, as Cedric handed over his wang. "Yes, I remember it well. Containing a single hair from the tail of a particularly fine male unicorn… Twelve and a quarter inches… ash… pleasantly springy. It’s in fine condition… you treat it regularly?"

"Polished it last night, said Cedric, grinning.

Harry looked down at his own wang. He could see finger marks all over it. He gathered a fistful of robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it. Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronising look, and he desisted.

Mr Ollivander sent a stream of silver smoke rings across the room from the tip of Cedric’s wang, pronounced himself satisfied, and then said, “Mr Krum, if you please.”…

He thrust his wang out and stood scowling, with his hands in the pockets of his robes… He lifted the wang and examined it minutely, turning it over and over before his eyes.

"Yes…. hornbeam and dragon heartstring?" he shot at Krum, who nodded. "Rather thicker than one usually sees… quite rigid… ten and a quarter inches… Avis!

The hornbeam wang let off a blast like a gun…”

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    Absolute hilarity!
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